And she has eyes like blackholes...
drawn i am...into depths unimaginable...pulled in by a force so overpowering that i lose identity...i lose awareness and then...as i begin to understand...i lose myself....
can i feel ?
can i be ?
can i know any longer...?
memories float around me... there is sweet pain in my senses....there is a soothing fire setting my spirit on fire....
And she has a smile that cracks my world..
shattered i am...into a million pieces...spread across the far reaches of the universe....becoming one with the cosmos....i travel eons...and then....as i begin to wonder...i find myself...
i can feel...
i can be...
i can know...and i do...
she knows does she not? ....that perinial emotions drown me at her mere sight....setting in motion another tale worth living through...
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
This people, is one of my earliest stories. The mere fact that the story deals with a court room scene makes me incompetent to tell this tale within the accurate perview of the law. Hence I have take liberty in a lot of places, the tale demanded it. I hope its the idea that gets across, and more than anything I hope you find it worth your while reading this piece.
MY BEAUTIFUL WORLD - By Hameeduddin A
I still remember that fine sunny day, the soft breeze carrying the fresh scent of a far away spring. A clear blue sky welcoming me, a whole new beginning was in store, unknown to me. The men in the uniform, the police of my city, kind and loving folk, led me from the van to the steps of the court house. A huge crowd had gathered, looked like the whole town was there, the atmosphere was carnival like, and they were all having fun. Some of them where shouting out slogans, and yet others had them written on huge banners that they displayed proudly. Real creativity was at display, each banner more colorful than the other. One in particular caught my eye, for it had my name on it, it said
"WE WANT ARNOLD OFF OUR STREETS!!” not that I did not appreciate the concern shown by the old lady holding the banner, but I wanted her to know the truth and so I had to shout above the happy slogan calling to say "its ok ma'am, I don't live on the streets, I really don't, I lived with my mother until a few days ago, but even now I am safe in the prison, the police are nice too" this seemed to cause the old lady and those around her to cringe, and I had to unnecessarily smile to make her feel comfortable, at which I failed. In a hurry the police led me up the stairs, where my mother was waiting for me.
I loved my mother, that was the absolute truth in my life, the absolute meaning of it, and the only thing worth about being me, one that more than made up for the shortcomings in my life. The police let me speak to my mother for a minute, she smiled and I saw beautiful colors, she spoke and I heard magical music "you look handsome in that coat Arnie" she said, and I bowed my head in a blush, "now don't let all these people frighten you, mommy will be in the court room all the time, so its ok" she added seriously, and I nodded yes, "don't worry mama, I am a grown man now" I said standing as tall as I could, she seemed to grow sad at first but then she Smiled before saying "I know", my time was up and the police led me inside, 'The People vs. Arnold Benjamin' was about to commence.
For about half a day, both my lawyer and the opposition lawyer made long speeches. The opposition lawyer claimed that he would conclusively prove that I was a murderer, and that I had murdered a poor handicapped boy named Russel Thomas. My lawyer said that he would conclusively prove that I was mentally challenged and that I was incapable of making sane decisions. I began harboring serious doubts about who was on my side.
After lunch, the first person to be questioned came into the witness box; it was the tall police officer who had stormed into Russel's place that day. I still remember how funny that whole episode was. I had been sitting in the drawing room of Russel's home, with Russel all around me, his legs on the sofa, his hands laid by my side, the head dramatically kept on display on the tea-poy. There was blood all around us, most of it soaked into the carpet. I had been working on his ribs, trying to wrench them apart, the beautiful song 'change the world' by Eric Clapton was running for the hundredth time, that was when the police had stormed into the house. The tall guy immediately pulled out his kerchief and put it to his nose, and others followed suit, that's when I realized I hadn't taken a bath since the morning of the day before.
The next on the witness box was my high school teacher Mrs. Dustin, she was that uppity kind of a lady, maybe it was because she was good at what she taught, and she taught Biology by the way. The opposition lawyer was asking her about an incident that had happened when I was in school, of how I had with my bare hands torn apart a lab specimen of some unknown animal's unknown part. It had all happened because Roomy had challenged me to do it. I refused to share credit with him later, not even when all the fuss came about, no sir! It was all my raw strength and nothing else, when they asked me how I could do such a thing, I acted all humble and said “Get me another one and I can show you how, it quite simple actually” and this had caused everyone in school to look at me in awe.
Once she was done I had to overcome my lawyer's restraining me, to stand up and thank her for taking the time to come here on my cause. To this she took no notice, perhaps she had other more important things on her mind.
The next day came, and was equally beautiful, somehow the carnival had grown more quite, more somber, the people with the cameras were there though. While I made my way into the court, one of them asked me if I liked tearing people apart, "I cant tell you that conclusively mister, I have torn apart just one person in my life so far" I said truthfully, he and the others were asking more questions but I had to rush in.
They all came, the landmarks of my life, one by one swearing to tell the truth, and telling of how evil my ways were. It was quite hard to notice that all those I held in high esteem were talking about me being unfit to be a part of society. My heart pained at their statements, and what hurt me even more was that they refused to acknowledge my smiles and wishes, choosing instead to look the other way. I almost began believing them, when no one holds on to your word, I guess the only choice is to hold onto someone else's; lies as they may be. But how could I accept a lie for my clutch? I turned around, frantically sought my mother's face; there she was, smiling at me. My tears and her smile began to argue, her smile won. I wiped my tears and continued to concentrate on the proceedings.
That evening I told my lawyer "I want to speak to the judge and the jury" he seemed to laugh at first, then realizing that I was serious he said "I am not putting you on the stand, if that is what you mean". Now I was sure that he was not on my side at all, he was with all those people who laughed when I spoke of my theories, who snickered at my dreams of winning a Nobel prize, who passed wicked comments when me and my mother walked down the street. "But I have a right to speak in my own defense, I do! And you cannot stop me from doing so, not now, not ever!" I said in as loud a tone as I could muster, and with that I stormed out of the meeting room and went to my cell. As I went out I heard his assistant tell him "maybe that's the solution, let him prove how loony he is by babbling on the witness stand". Not all people had good mothers.
Mid way through the next day the opposition rested its case. It was the turn of my lawyer to organize the show henceforth. First he called Dr Graham, the old grandfatherly kind of a loving man. He was the same person who had spent hours with me in preparation for this case. On the witness stand he was talking about how he had initially found me to be as normal as any other 21 year old, my choice of music, my love of sports and my opinions about things, all pretty normal he said. Only slowly and after much conversation, he claimed, he saw that I was different. It was true, I had long conversations with him, and I told him about all my ideas. He seemed like a man very much interested in my theories, for he wanted me to write them down on paper a clearly as possible for him to analyze.
He seemed to be holding one of those papers now, reading from it for the court's benefit, I remember that paper, and I had written it to explain if the Sun is over-rated or not and why, it went something like…
"If you want to make all the stars visible in the day then the sun would have to disappear, then it would become a night and would no longer be a day, so technically you cannot have all the stars visible in the day except the sun, which is so bloody unfair! But then is sun really a star? They say the sun is a star with a name that's all! So what’s so bloody special about it that we have to tolerate it all day long? About sun being such an over-rated celestial object, why is that so? Who says so? And are they right in saying so? Now then, for answers, 'because I say so', 'I say so', 'yes', obviously! Otherwise why would I say so? Now then for an answer, 'because it is right'. Now you can take the risk of asking 'why is it right?' and just in case you had the mind to do just that (which I doubt (because that's what I do(doubt)) extremely (in this case)) I ought to have the smartness to leave you with an answer, Now then for an answer, 'because I said so'. Since we are now a little clearer (because we can't be 'clearest' (since that is a totally wrong presumption (being clearest))) lets carry on with analyzing if sun deserves to be as over-rated as it is.
To do just that (prove that the sun is an over-rated celestial object) lets take for example an imaginary being, in an imaginary planet, in an imaginary solar (for lack of a specific name) system, which is a part of an imaginary galaxy, which is floating millions and millions and zillions of light years away from our galaxy (which is not imaginary but is real!!(it is called 'the milky way')). Now then where were we? Oh yes! We were imagining an imaginary being, in an imaginary planet, in an imaginary solar system, which is a part of an imaginary galaxy, which is floating millions and millions and zillions of light years away from our galaxy. Now what would this imaginary being say about the sun being an over-rated celestial object? 'I don't really know, go ask him/her/whatever' is what you would say, but that's not necessary, because our imaginary being is not there to answer the question after all, because he/she/whatever is imaginary after all, so we can (very conveniently) answer the question for him/her/whatever and the answer would be, 'no the sun does not deserve to be so over-rated as I don't even know if it exists or not', that being him/her/whatever's answer would also stand good for us because of the (by now famous(to the extent of being household)) theory of relativity.
"It is very clear from the text you honor, that Arnold has no problems explaining his ideas, but it is his ideas that are, well, quite different from ours. They are not thoughts of violence, there is no cultist theme in here, and there are no praises of Hitler, if for a moment, the irrelevancy of the problem being solved in here is disregarded, then what we have here is a normal human mind exercising its reasoning faculty for the purpose of problem solving. The numerous nested brackets show his willingness to deal with complexity, but they also emphasize the confusion, unnecessary at times. His confusion and at times his curiosity about what we may call petty things, may lead him to take decisions or make choices that you or me wouldn’t. One thing is for sure, he cannot be intentionally harmful, I don’t see that in him" the Doctor finished with those words. I was quite thrilled I must admit when the judge was looking admiringly at my theory and add to that the Doctor even waved goodbye to me before he left, I turned around and sought my mother's face; there she was, smiling at me. My excitement and her smile began to argue, her smile won. I settled down and continued to concentrate on the proceedings.
The next person on the witness box was my classmate in college and also my neighbor Jammal, he and me, we were thick friends, as thick as they come. In the beginning when we were in school he was one of them, who made fun of me and treated me like scum, but once when they were playing cricket, he ran a quick single and crashed into the stumps, he was in terrible pain. Looked like he had cracked a bone in his leg, I was as usual not allowed to play but only pick up the balls that went out of the field, so I was quite far away. I had run into the field quickly, I pushed everyone out of the way, and with my two hands I had carried him to the hospital two blocks away. From then on we were inseparable, I was even allowed to play in the team, and it all had to do with the stamina I displayed on the two-block run.
He was now telling of how I had helped him, and how we had become great friends. He even told them about all those cricket matches that we played in the colony and how I was one of the best in the field. I remember how many glasses I had broken with my huge sixes. Even Mr. Thomas's window did not escape, though Russel always used to boss me around he never let his dad know that I broke the window, he hated his dad more than he hated me.
I turned around and I spotted Mr. Thomas in the front row, and almost instantaneously I think he felt my eyes on him and he turned and stared into my eyes. I must admit I was terrified, I remember that look in his eyes when he used to stomp out of his front gate with a ball in his hand "Now, who was it that broke my window? Don't you children have anything better to do? And you Russel! What do you think you are doing? The fucking polio should have eaten both of your legs! God know why I stand you! Why don't you just die? Let me just know who broke my window and you will see what happens" with that he would go back inside, every time he came out of his house, broken window or not, he would say a different version of the same thing. It never took more than five minutes for us to cheer Russel up. But now looking into Mr. Thomas's eyes I somehow got the feeling that Russel had told him the truth; that it was me who had broken his window, petrified I turned around.
Jammal was now telling the court about how Russel hated his dad, and how he used to always talk about ending his life. "But Russel was a strong person, he always recovered after a short spell of self pity, we used to have a great time the three of us, and Arnie was the nicest of guys, I don't believe he meant what he did, I don't know why he did it, but I wouldn't go blaming him of violence" after he was cross-examined by the opposition lawyer Jammal stepped down and smiled at me before he left.
That night me and my lawyer had another tiff about me getting on the stand, finally after he consulted with my mother, he consented, he was not that bad after all, but just hell bent on proving I was insane. Next day my mother took the stand, she spoke about how nice she thought I was, in her own sweet way she explained why I may seem different, but how I was in more than one way pretty much same as the rest of them. In some ways she claimed I was better. The opposition lawyer, not understanding the characteristic of the present mood, decided to question her about my dad. It was a touchy topic; one that no one was supposed to start, I should have warned the opposition lawyer, the poor man unintentionally caused my mother to cry on the witness stand, and then had to part with his hand kerchief. I couldn't concentrate on what she was telling between her sobs, how could I? My angel, my mother was crying, "stop this!" I cried in desperation, but no one seemed to heed my call, they just told me to sit quiet and carried on making her cry. "He may have murdered those girls or he may not have, but that has nothing to do with Arnie, he is my son, he knows how to love, and that's all he knows!" she said before leaving the stand, I kept looking at her hoping to catch her eye, hoping to pass her a smile, she was in need of one, but she covered her face with the nice lawyer's hand kerchief and moved out of the court room. I was next on the stand.
It looked like the whole world was there to listen to me, the men with weird expressions, and the others with no expression holding pens and notebooks. My lawyer asked me about the evening it all happened and I told them the whole truth. Of how Russel, Jammal and me were sitting in the playground, "Russel was telling us about how his dad had decided, to get married again, 'He wants me to go live in the college hostel, so that he can ruin all my mother's memories with his insane fucking around the house' he was saying, Jammal was trying to calm him down because Russel had grown all agitated, 'I tell you I will kill him if he brings any bitch into my mother's home! I sure will!' he said and tried to get up, it was quite funny with his crooked legs, but I controlled my laugh and helped him get up. 'Hey Russel how come we did not study in the same school?' I asked, it had been a doubt that had been eating into me for a long time, 'That's because my dad put me through a special school with my smart brains, while you dumb ass went to a normal school, and led a normal fucking life!' he said, it was quite confusing why he was angry, it was him after all who gone to a special school, 'what makes you so special Russel? Is it the special shape of your legs?' I asked, for a moment anger flashed across his face but then he calmed down and seemed to laugh to himself before he said 'No idiot, it is what is inside me that makes me special not the way I look' That confused me further, but before I could ask him anything he was opening the gate of his home, so we told our goodbyes and left.
I couldn't drive the thought off my mind, I couldn't sleep, and so I got up and went to Russel's home. When I reached there, I saw Mr. Thomas leave in his car, so I thought it was safe after all to go inside. Inside in the living room I found Russel sprawled on the floor, I tried my best to wake him up, but he just wouldn't wake up. I thought this is the right opportunity, while he was sleeping to find out what was so special inside him. So I found the Knife from the Kitchen and went to work, I must convey here that Russel did not mind in the least, he dint even stir, And I don't know why you people are making a big fuss about it, and causing my poor mother to cry. You must all be ashamed!!" I said, there was stunned silence in the court room, and while I took a breather my lawyer got up and said "clearly you honor, my client is insane and incapable of making decisions" this really put me off and I said "clearly your honor, my lawyer is conspiring against me" this, caused everyone to laugh.
I think by the end of it the Judge agreed that I had not murdered Russel, and I think he also found me smart and articulate, because he was recommending me to some institution of higher studies. My theories must have impressed him. I thanked him before he left.
Outside to a group of people holding mikes my mother was telling of how the whole affair was insane, and how her son could never hope to live in a world where people were judged based on their actions and not their hearts, and how we were all victims alike. But I tend to disagree with her; I think we all came off better in some way or the other. Russel had never woken up from his peaceful sleep, and so his dad was free to marry anyone he wanted, my mother was relieved of her burden; her son, and I had gotten an admit into the institution.
**************
I live in the institution now, its peaceful here. Jammal and mommy visit me often, I miss Russel though, and I only wish I knew how to fix him up. I am working on a new theory, to explain which came first, thought or sight? I am not telling it out yet, it's all hush-hush.
MY BEAUTIFUL WORLD - By Hameeduddin A
I still remember that fine sunny day, the soft breeze carrying the fresh scent of a far away spring. A clear blue sky welcoming me, a whole new beginning was in store, unknown to me. The men in the uniform, the police of my city, kind and loving folk, led me from the van to the steps of the court house. A huge crowd had gathered, looked like the whole town was there, the atmosphere was carnival like, and they were all having fun. Some of them where shouting out slogans, and yet others had them written on huge banners that they displayed proudly. Real creativity was at display, each banner more colorful than the other. One in particular caught my eye, for it had my name on it, it said
"WE WANT ARNOLD OFF OUR STREETS!!” not that I did not appreciate the concern shown by the old lady holding the banner, but I wanted her to know the truth and so I had to shout above the happy slogan calling to say "its ok ma'am, I don't live on the streets, I really don't, I lived with my mother until a few days ago, but even now I am safe in the prison, the police are nice too" this seemed to cause the old lady and those around her to cringe, and I had to unnecessarily smile to make her feel comfortable, at which I failed. In a hurry the police led me up the stairs, where my mother was waiting for me.
I loved my mother, that was the absolute truth in my life, the absolute meaning of it, and the only thing worth about being me, one that more than made up for the shortcomings in my life. The police let me speak to my mother for a minute, she smiled and I saw beautiful colors, she spoke and I heard magical music "you look handsome in that coat Arnie" she said, and I bowed my head in a blush, "now don't let all these people frighten you, mommy will be in the court room all the time, so its ok" she added seriously, and I nodded yes, "don't worry mama, I am a grown man now" I said standing as tall as I could, she seemed to grow sad at first but then she Smiled before saying "I know", my time was up and the police led me inside, 'The People vs. Arnold Benjamin' was about to commence.
For about half a day, both my lawyer and the opposition lawyer made long speeches. The opposition lawyer claimed that he would conclusively prove that I was a murderer, and that I had murdered a poor handicapped boy named Russel Thomas. My lawyer said that he would conclusively prove that I was mentally challenged and that I was incapable of making sane decisions. I began harboring serious doubts about who was on my side.
After lunch, the first person to be questioned came into the witness box; it was the tall police officer who had stormed into Russel's place that day. I still remember how funny that whole episode was. I had been sitting in the drawing room of Russel's home, with Russel all around me, his legs on the sofa, his hands laid by my side, the head dramatically kept on display on the tea-poy. There was blood all around us, most of it soaked into the carpet. I had been working on his ribs, trying to wrench them apart, the beautiful song 'change the world' by Eric Clapton was running for the hundredth time, that was when the police had stormed into the house. The tall guy immediately pulled out his kerchief and put it to his nose, and others followed suit, that's when I realized I hadn't taken a bath since the morning of the day before.
The next on the witness box was my high school teacher Mrs. Dustin, she was that uppity kind of a lady, maybe it was because she was good at what she taught, and she taught Biology by the way. The opposition lawyer was asking her about an incident that had happened when I was in school, of how I had with my bare hands torn apart a lab specimen of some unknown animal's unknown part. It had all happened because Roomy had challenged me to do it. I refused to share credit with him later, not even when all the fuss came about, no sir! It was all my raw strength and nothing else, when they asked me how I could do such a thing, I acted all humble and said “Get me another one and I can show you how, it quite simple actually” and this had caused everyone in school to look at me in awe.
Once she was done I had to overcome my lawyer's restraining me, to stand up and thank her for taking the time to come here on my cause. To this she took no notice, perhaps she had other more important things on her mind.
The next day came, and was equally beautiful, somehow the carnival had grown more quite, more somber, the people with the cameras were there though. While I made my way into the court, one of them asked me if I liked tearing people apart, "I cant tell you that conclusively mister, I have torn apart just one person in my life so far" I said truthfully, he and the others were asking more questions but I had to rush in.
They all came, the landmarks of my life, one by one swearing to tell the truth, and telling of how evil my ways were. It was quite hard to notice that all those I held in high esteem were talking about me being unfit to be a part of society. My heart pained at their statements, and what hurt me even more was that they refused to acknowledge my smiles and wishes, choosing instead to look the other way. I almost began believing them, when no one holds on to your word, I guess the only choice is to hold onto someone else's; lies as they may be. But how could I accept a lie for my clutch? I turned around, frantically sought my mother's face; there she was, smiling at me. My tears and her smile began to argue, her smile won. I wiped my tears and continued to concentrate on the proceedings.
That evening I told my lawyer "I want to speak to the judge and the jury" he seemed to laugh at first, then realizing that I was serious he said "I am not putting you on the stand, if that is what you mean". Now I was sure that he was not on my side at all, he was with all those people who laughed when I spoke of my theories, who snickered at my dreams of winning a Nobel prize, who passed wicked comments when me and my mother walked down the street. "But I have a right to speak in my own defense, I do! And you cannot stop me from doing so, not now, not ever!" I said in as loud a tone as I could muster, and with that I stormed out of the meeting room and went to my cell. As I went out I heard his assistant tell him "maybe that's the solution, let him prove how loony he is by babbling on the witness stand". Not all people had good mothers.
Mid way through the next day the opposition rested its case. It was the turn of my lawyer to organize the show henceforth. First he called Dr Graham, the old grandfatherly kind of a loving man. He was the same person who had spent hours with me in preparation for this case. On the witness stand he was talking about how he had initially found me to be as normal as any other 21 year old, my choice of music, my love of sports and my opinions about things, all pretty normal he said. Only slowly and after much conversation, he claimed, he saw that I was different. It was true, I had long conversations with him, and I told him about all my ideas. He seemed like a man very much interested in my theories, for he wanted me to write them down on paper a clearly as possible for him to analyze.
He seemed to be holding one of those papers now, reading from it for the court's benefit, I remember that paper, and I had written it to explain if the Sun is over-rated or not and why, it went something like…
"If you want to make all the stars visible in the day then the sun would have to disappear, then it would become a night and would no longer be a day, so technically you cannot have all the stars visible in the day except the sun, which is so bloody unfair! But then is sun really a star? They say the sun is a star with a name that's all! So what’s so bloody special about it that we have to tolerate it all day long? About sun being such an over-rated celestial object, why is that so? Who says so? And are they right in saying so? Now then, for answers, 'because I say so', 'I say so', 'yes', obviously! Otherwise why would I say so? Now then for an answer, 'because it is right'. Now you can take the risk of asking 'why is it right?' and just in case you had the mind to do just that (which I doubt (because that's what I do(doubt)) extremely (in this case)) I ought to have the smartness to leave you with an answer, Now then for an answer, 'because I said so'. Since we are now a little clearer (because we can't be 'clearest' (since that is a totally wrong presumption (being clearest))) lets carry on with analyzing if sun deserves to be as over-rated as it is.
To do just that (prove that the sun is an over-rated celestial object) lets take for example an imaginary being, in an imaginary planet, in an imaginary solar (for lack of a specific name) system, which is a part of an imaginary galaxy, which is floating millions and millions and zillions of light years away from our galaxy (which is not imaginary but is real!!(it is called 'the milky way')). Now then where were we? Oh yes! We were imagining an imaginary being, in an imaginary planet, in an imaginary solar system, which is a part of an imaginary galaxy, which is floating millions and millions and zillions of light years away from our galaxy. Now what would this imaginary being say about the sun being an over-rated celestial object? 'I don't really know, go ask him/her/whatever' is what you would say, but that's not necessary, because our imaginary being is not there to answer the question after all, because he/she/whatever is imaginary after all, so we can (very conveniently) answer the question for him/her/whatever and the answer would be, 'no the sun does not deserve to be so over-rated as I don't even know if it exists or not', that being him/her/whatever's answer would also stand good for us because of the (by now famous(to the extent of being household)) theory of relativity.
"It is very clear from the text you honor, that Arnold has no problems explaining his ideas, but it is his ideas that are, well, quite different from ours. They are not thoughts of violence, there is no cultist theme in here, and there are no praises of Hitler, if for a moment, the irrelevancy of the problem being solved in here is disregarded, then what we have here is a normal human mind exercising its reasoning faculty for the purpose of problem solving. The numerous nested brackets show his willingness to deal with complexity, but they also emphasize the confusion, unnecessary at times. His confusion and at times his curiosity about what we may call petty things, may lead him to take decisions or make choices that you or me wouldn’t. One thing is for sure, he cannot be intentionally harmful, I don’t see that in him" the Doctor finished with those words. I was quite thrilled I must admit when the judge was looking admiringly at my theory and add to that the Doctor even waved goodbye to me before he left, I turned around and sought my mother's face; there she was, smiling at me. My excitement and her smile began to argue, her smile won. I settled down and continued to concentrate on the proceedings.
The next person on the witness box was my classmate in college and also my neighbor Jammal, he and me, we were thick friends, as thick as they come. In the beginning when we were in school he was one of them, who made fun of me and treated me like scum, but once when they were playing cricket, he ran a quick single and crashed into the stumps, he was in terrible pain. Looked like he had cracked a bone in his leg, I was as usual not allowed to play but only pick up the balls that went out of the field, so I was quite far away. I had run into the field quickly, I pushed everyone out of the way, and with my two hands I had carried him to the hospital two blocks away. From then on we were inseparable, I was even allowed to play in the team, and it all had to do with the stamina I displayed on the two-block run.
He was now telling of how I had helped him, and how we had become great friends. He even told them about all those cricket matches that we played in the colony and how I was one of the best in the field. I remember how many glasses I had broken with my huge sixes. Even Mr. Thomas's window did not escape, though Russel always used to boss me around he never let his dad know that I broke the window, he hated his dad more than he hated me.
I turned around and I spotted Mr. Thomas in the front row, and almost instantaneously I think he felt my eyes on him and he turned and stared into my eyes. I must admit I was terrified, I remember that look in his eyes when he used to stomp out of his front gate with a ball in his hand "Now, who was it that broke my window? Don't you children have anything better to do? And you Russel! What do you think you are doing? The fucking polio should have eaten both of your legs! God know why I stand you! Why don't you just die? Let me just know who broke my window and you will see what happens" with that he would go back inside, every time he came out of his house, broken window or not, he would say a different version of the same thing. It never took more than five minutes for us to cheer Russel up. But now looking into Mr. Thomas's eyes I somehow got the feeling that Russel had told him the truth; that it was me who had broken his window, petrified I turned around.
Jammal was now telling the court about how Russel hated his dad, and how he used to always talk about ending his life. "But Russel was a strong person, he always recovered after a short spell of self pity, we used to have a great time the three of us, and Arnie was the nicest of guys, I don't believe he meant what he did, I don't know why he did it, but I wouldn't go blaming him of violence" after he was cross-examined by the opposition lawyer Jammal stepped down and smiled at me before he left.
That night me and my lawyer had another tiff about me getting on the stand, finally after he consulted with my mother, he consented, he was not that bad after all, but just hell bent on proving I was insane. Next day my mother took the stand, she spoke about how nice she thought I was, in her own sweet way she explained why I may seem different, but how I was in more than one way pretty much same as the rest of them. In some ways she claimed I was better. The opposition lawyer, not understanding the characteristic of the present mood, decided to question her about my dad. It was a touchy topic; one that no one was supposed to start, I should have warned the opposition lawyer, the poor man unintentionally caused my mother to cry on the witness stand, and then had to part with his hand kerchief. I couldn't concentrate on what she was telling between her sobs, how could I? My angel, my mother was crying, "stop this!" I cried in desperation, but no one seemed to heed my call, they just told me to sit quiet and carried on making her cry. "He may have murdered those girls or he may not have, but that has nothing to do with Arnie, he is my son, he knows how to love, and that's all he knows!" she said before leaving the stand, I kept looking at her hoping to catch her eye, hoping to pass her a smile, she was in need of one, but she covered her face with the nice lawyer's hand kerchief and moved out of the court room. I was next on the stand.
It looked like the whole world was there to listen to me, the men with weird expressions, and the others with no expression holding pens and notebooks. My lawyer asked me about the evening it all happened and I told them the whole truth. Of how Russel, Jammal and me were sitting in the playground, "Russel was telling us about how his dad had decided, to get married again, 'He wants me to go live in the college hostel, so that he can ruin all my mother's memories with his insane fucking around the house' he was saying, Jammal was trying to calm him down because Russel had grown all agitated, 'I tell you I will kill him if he brings any bitch into my mother's home! I sure will!' he said and tried to get up, it was quite funny with his crooked legs, but I controlled my laugh and helped him get up. 'Hey Russel how come we did not study in the same school?' I asked, it had been a doubt that had been eating into me for a long time, 'That's because my dad put me through a special school with my smart brains, while you dumb ass went to a normal school, and led a normal fucking life!' he said, it was quite confusing why he was angry, it was him after all who gone to a special school, 'what makes you so special Russel? Is it the special shape of your legs?' I asked, for a moment anger flashed across his face but then he calmed down and seemed to laugh to himself before he said 'No idiot, it is what is inside me that makes me special not the way I look' That confused me further, but before I could ask him anything he was opening the gate of his home, so we told our goodbyes and left.
I couldn't drive the thought off my mind, I couldn't sleep, and so I got up and went to Russel's home. When I reached there, I saw Mr. Thomas leave in his car, so I thought it was safe after all to go inside. Inside in the living room I found Russel sprawled on the floor, I tried my best to wake him up, but he just wouldn't wake up. I thought this is the right opportunity, while he was sleeping to find out what was so special inside him. So I found the Knife from the Kitchen and went to work, I must convey here that Russel did not mind in the least, he dint even stir, And I don't know why you people are making a big fuss about it, and causing my poor mother to cry. You must all be ashamed!!" I said, there was stunned silence in the court room, and while I took a breather my lawyer got up and said "clearly you honor, my client is insane and incapable of making decisions" this really put me off and I said "clearly your honor, my lawyer is conspiring against me" this, caused everyone to laugh.
I think by the end of it the Judge agreed that I had not murdered Russel, and I think he also found me smart and articulate, because he was recommending me to some institution of higher studies. My theories must have impressed him. I thanked him before he left.
Outside to a group of people holding mikes my mother was telling of how the whole affair was insane, and how her son could never hope to live in a world where people were judged based on their actions and not their hearts, and how we were all victims alike. But I tend to disagree with her; I think we all came off better in some way or the other. Russel had never woken up from his peaceful sleep, and so his dad was free to marry anyone he wanted, my mother was relieved of her burden; her son, and I had gotten an admit into the institution.
**************
I live in the institution now, its peaceful here. Jammal and mommy visit me often, I miss Russel though, and I only wish I knew how to fix him up. I am working on a new theory, to explain which came first, thought or sight? I am not telling it out yet, it's all hush-hush.
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