SO HELP ME GOD

Ramadan has begun, and I am yet again reminded of my lack of faith. Another year has gone by since that fateful day when I refused to go to a mosque, since the day I walked out of religion and proclaimed doubt, since the day I disappointed my family maybe but made myself proud. I am not a hypocrite and I cannot follow a religion in pieces. I am either infidel or hypocrite and I chose the lesser of the two evils. I cannot get myself to follow practices I don't see reason in, I cannot do wrong by my education and my sense of thought. I am happy being directionless, I'd rather be lost in the savannas than stay firm on a road that has no purpose. When I die I will not have to chose between heaven or hell, for I shall have been buried and reduced to worm food. I shall not be fooled by grave warnings or sumptuous offers, I shall not be frightened or cajoled, I choose not to be led. I believe that through the course of one's life one ought to do two things, the lesser being find meaning in one's being and the other more purposeful one being learning to love. I have faith too, in the all conquering love, in the unconditional version of it, in the untarnished sense of it. I have roots too, in the warming embrace of my father, in the loving eyes of my mother, in the uninhibited care of my siblings. Once as a 8 year old I had adorned a prayer cap and with little folded arms had stood head bowed in front of the all-knowing benevolent almighty, to beg to be able to once again see the loving face of my mother. On that fateful day God abandoned me, 12 years later I abandoned him - Life has convinced me that he exists not without, but is within the heart that learns to love. I chose not to be bitter for the losses I have endured, and in doing so I have become better than any egoistic god can claim to be. I have let go of religion with a smile, I have let of my go of my crutches after a while. i have finally started my long unassisted walk through life, So help me God.